Body

I love seeing these two images next to each other. On the left a waif of a woman, a cartoon, yes, but the standard of an "ideal" woman in America. On the right, laugh lines and wrinkles from living, and the years that go with life. The pressure to conform on one side, and riding barefoot on your bicycle on the other. Empty and predictable versus colorful and spontaneous.

It's easy to conform to life's expectations, but the more we open ourselves to others, life gets a little brighter. People & relationships add dynamics that are beyond our control. The people I love have brought  deep, searing pain to my life. And they have given me happiness so great that it makes my heart ache.

The truth is that I want to grow old, wrinkly (perhaps even pudgy) from laughter...tears...and living life. No botox for me. I want people to see this face someday and know that it was lived wholeheartedly. (I already have gray hair, so wrinkles are next anyway, right?)
~Shelby

A Lie that's True

In a way, this lie is true...

We are all those things, and yet because of Jesus, we don't have to live in any of the them. But I so often get stuck there. It's sad to realize that internally this is reality, while externally I put on a pretty good show.

I've hidden from this lie the most. I lived it out in the past, to the point that I punished myself into starvation. Healed and whole from that, I am still held back today from the lie that says I am crap. And the thing that makes me mad is that this lie keeps me from the things I want the most. From being a good wife or living out the dreams God has for me. This lie is so damaging, so insipid, that seeing it here both confronts me and breaks my heart.

TRUTH

But this truth, this is why I must dance! I want to walk in that freedom, and I long for you to join me. That we who have tasted God's love, which has set us free from the pain of past regret, and the worthlessness we found there, will drink in a new life. If we, if I, could live like we believe this - each morning with a fresh start - we could be the person we've always set out to become. And the person, God has always known that we are, that He created us to be.

~Shelby

The Fire

Prayers can be scary. You know the saying: "When you pray for patience, God makes you wait". Or when you pray for strength He gives you something difficult so you'll be come stronger. I have often prayed that God's fire would consume me.

The Fire from Shelby Lynn on Vimeo.

I was asked to choreograph this dance for a women's conference called "Come to the Fire". What I didn't know when I said yes, was that I wouldn't need to ask for the "fire to fall" for long. This dance was born at a time when the flames in my life were so hot they were licking my flesh. The women who watched me perform this dance likely thought God had moved me deeply that night. I became so emotional at the end of the dance that tears poured out of me. I did not need to ask for the fire to fall, I was in it.

God had allowed me to walk through something so searing, that I honestly did not want any more fire. I wanted His glory to come up from the ashes of the mess that was my life.  And I needed his rest. My prayers haven't changed, in fact they may even be more bold now. Now, I see from the other side of the fire,
and dear one,
it is good.
~Shelby

Make the Stumble Part of the Dance

What that phrase means to me...

"I will exalt you, O Lord,

for you lifted me out of the depths

and did not let my enemies gloat over me.

O Lord my God, I called to you for help

and you healed me.

O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; 

you spared me from going down into the pit.

Sing to the Lord, you saints of his;

praise his holy name.

For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

When I felt secure, I said,

'I will never be shaken.'

O Lord, when you favored me,

you made my mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face,

I was dismayed.

To you, O Lord, I called;

to the Lord I cried for mercy:

'What gain is there in my destruction,

in my going down into the pit?

Will the dust praise you?

Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me;

O Lord, be my help.'

Joyful feet on our wedding day

You turned my wailing into dance; 

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."

~Psalm 30

Flaws

I cannot tell you why it happens. It doesn't really make sense. That small logical part of my brain, (it's very small, I'm a woman, so my heart usually makes all my decisions!) has tried to figure it out in the past. But I cannot for the life of my explain why I pretend or why I try to cover over my flaws.

It's got to be fear. Fear that I won't be accepted, loved, valued, appreciated or seen as an equal. Perhaps pride, that I can project this persona that's so great it's worth admiring, respecting and even emulating. What a lethal combination - fear & pride.

The honest truth is that I want to believe what God says. That He loves me, so much that I can stop being afraid. I can let down my pride and just be the woman He's made me to be. I want to walk in that freedom. And if I could do something in that freedom, it would be to connect to someone else in her own moment of weakness. My name means "sheltered town". I want to be a place where she, where you, can feel safe. Because, let's be honest I don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I messed up today. But God still loves me...the truth for today is that He loves us both.
~ Shelby

Healing

"...for I am the LORD, who heals you..."

Exodus 15:26 NIV

When I was at Grace College the campus counselor was a gift. She confronted me, allowed me to cry, and neither pitied nor bullied me. At at time when I hated myself and felt unlovable, she helped me experience self-hatred so that I could also experience the Grace of God. But of all the truth I learned in that little office, I hang my hat on this the most...

"With God there can be complete healing..."


So a little science here. According to the Cleveland Clinic, upwards of 20% of people with anorexia die, and anywhere from 24-56% of those with diagnosed anorexia never fully recover.* My mom read those stats at one point and had a major freak out moment, who wouldn't? Sometimes I'm scared to have a daughter because of threats like that. And yet,

etsy.com/listing/79020020/my-love-is-the-sea-necklace

"With God there can be complete healing..."


The temptation is still there - when I'm extremely overwhelmed or emotionally distraught.  The option to fall back is there.  And sometimes the lies have a way of slithering back in. But, we serve a perfect God who is greater than any illness, whether it's one we can see like cancer - or can't, like depression. I believe God can fully and completely heal, and I do not need to live in fear that healing and wholeness is impossible.

"With God there can be complete healing for your marriage"
"With God there can be complete healing for your broken heart"
"With God there can be complete healing between you and your father"
"With God there can be complete healing with the church"
"With God there can be complete healing from..."
~ Shelby

"But for you that honor my name, victory will shine like the sun with healing in its rays..."

Malachi 4:2 CEV

*Franco, Kathleen N. (2011). Eating Disorders. Cleveland Clinic. Retrieved January 25, 2012, from http://www.clevelandclinicmeded.com/medicalpubs/diseasemanagement/psychiatry-psychology/eating-disorders/

Feeling

Ugh, emotions. Seriously, sometimes I am just a mess.  Crying at everything, scared at nothing and melancholy on a sunny days.  And then, there are days when pain presses agains my chest so hard that I cannot breathe, and the emotions are so intense, so real that it is hard to really feel them. That is when I am tempted to "check out" of life, because feeling this way is more than I can bear. 

I often feel things so deeply that when life and auto-pilot kicks in and I don't have the emotional highs and lows I've grown so used to, then there must be something wrong with me. The truth is that emotions can be beautiful servants, rather than tyrannical masters.

He is a REAL savior, lover and friend. Someone that will travel down the quiet halls of sadness and loneliness, so that I am not alone there. He is also there to drink in the joy of the mountain-top experiences.  He is so real in all of those moments that I don't want to forget how real He is today, when I send an email, drive my car or make dinner for my husband. And with as much feeling as I can muster in this moment, I love him for that.

~Shelby