Just a Taste

People will say that being a parent helps you see things from God's perspective. That the love you have for your child is a small taste of the love God has for us. If that's the case, I am broken at how God can love me.

Seriously, when I look at little Sarah Lynn Mercy I am full. She delights me, makes mornings the happiest thing since cheesecake, and entertains me endlessly. Her little fingers grab at my nose and I think I've won the lottery. This momma could go on and on about the ways my heart beats for this life.

You can't imagine that God could love you and feel for you the way you feel for your child. I'm so messed up, full of mistakes and junk that should push God away.

Truth: Despite all of that - God loves me.

And then it makes sense. When I look at Sarah, all I see is my love for her. When God looks at us, all He sees is Jesus' love covering our shame.

"He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." ~ Zephaniah 3:17

Tonight, I am thankful that God gave me a daughter so I could taste more of His love. May you know God's deep love for you tonight too, even if you don't have a precious peanut like I do to show you.

~Shelby

Playing House

Like many little girls, I grew up playing with baby dolls and pretending to be a mommy.  From just about the time I was a baby, I've wanted a baby. And, since before I even imagined myself married, I envisioned being a mom. (Sorry Silas!)

And now, it's happened.

I intimately know the ways she likes to be held, comforted, and what her cries mean. Even after waking up three times at night, I'm still excited for the morning, to cuddle with her and spend the day together. Fully and completely I am a momma, and Sarah Lynn Mercy is my baby. 

Sometimes I will look at her smiling and cooing up at me in disbelief. It's hard to believe she is actually here, not just because I wanted her so badly, but because I've been dreaming of this for as long as I can remember. And today I realized that I feel more fulfilled right now as a mother than I really ever have doing anything else. Changing diapers, feeding her, snuggling, singing and talking to her feels so natural. All those years of pretend are finally paying off!

I think the lie that could mess me up right now, is that this earthly fulfillment is somehow wrong.  Like shouldn't I find my greatest fulfillment in God alone? But, I think enjoying Sarah and being her mom is spiritual. The truth is that teaching her, praying with her and trying to love her the way Jesus loves me is connecting me to God. And for now, that is enough. 

Having a child simplifies things.  So, today I simply accept the joy & fulfillment of being Sarah Lynn's mom.  

~ Shelby

Two Weeks

We've had our baby girl to hold, cuddle and love on for two weeks now. People want to know how you feel after you have your first child,  and if I could write a song, a poem or choreograph a dance to show you, it still wouldn't be enough.

Still, this new wave of love threatens to overwhelm me with both happy thoughts and huge fears.

"What if we lost her?"

That question has swirled in and out of my mind these last two weeks as I watch her sleep, kiss her face and start to learn about this new soul. It could cripple me, that fear. And truly, the reality is, we could lose her at any moment. It takes my breath away to remember that the Sarah she was named after...died at only 15. What if that happens to my Sarah?

And then, the peace that passes all understanding reminds me of this truth...

"You have had 14 days with a child you thought you might not ever have."

In God's great mercy He gave us this Princess of Mercy - Sarah Lynn Mercy. I have had more days with her today, than I ever dreamed possible. My heart is so full of gratitude to God for giving her to us, if only for these days.

I'm learning that this attitude of a heart that is genuinely grateful will live in peace.  If I can wake and be thankful for this moment, this day with our girl, I can savor it, and I can remove the fear of tomorrow, because I'm living for today.

No, it's not easy, I can't say the fear doesn't overwhelm me at times, but I want to live this way, to believe the truth that being grateful really can free me from this fear, and can allow me to entrust Sarah to God.

So in this moment, as I watch her sleep I say a prayer of thankfulness to God for this day, and the past 14 He has given us. What a gift.

~ Shelby

The Other Shoe

There's this lie that has decided to worm it's way into my head, probably into yours too.

"Just wait - things are too good right now. It won't last.
Don't get too happy, because you'll lose everything sooner or later.
Better prepare yourself now for the heartache that is bound to come."

Wow, talk about a joy killer! That's exactly what it is too.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy"
~John 10:10

It's so odd how I can know in my mind that this hesitation, this fear that the other shoe is bound to drop at some point is a lie. But, I let it have a hold. I have chosen to let it tie me down. When really, I'd like to skip through the streets yelling, "I'm gonna have a baby girl, she's gonna be beautiful and my handsome husband and I are gonna be parents!!!!!!"

I don't want to feel guilty about being happy, or excited, but this lie tells me to stay timid and meek. That if I get too excited I might lose it all. It's funny how I think that by keeping my joy at bay I could somehow stave off pain or loss.

No, the truth is
"Jesus came so that you would have life, and have it to the full."
~John 10:10

That means today, tomorrow and Wednesday when I meet this new little life, I can drink it in fully. Living completely alive and in the moment I can weep for joy, grin from ear to ear, post annoying pictures on facebook and tell the world about this precious gift we've been given.

So goodbye fear and anxiety, I'm not having you. I choose LIFE.
And even if the other shoe drops, I have a truth to sustain me:
"The people I love are safer in God's hands than in my own."
~Shelby

Waiting for baby...

I've Got This

On my first trip to Russia, one of the young ladies told me she didn't understand this one thing about Americans. Why does everyone grow up and move away, from their friends, family and everything they know? She was an adult woman at the time, but still lived with her parents, and didn't have any imminent plans to move out. If fact, for Russians, they often live several generations to a home. And by home, I mean less than a 900 square foot apartment. Grandparents, parents and newlyweds all crammed into three rooms. Partly because of economy, and mostly because of culture. Families stay together, they rely on each other and support one another.

Not here. Graduate...go away to college. Get a job...move out. Get married...move away. I did all three of those, and yet I know now that I am far from "self-sufficient." There are times when I have looked at my husband and said "You have to be strong for me, I can't carry this burden." Or jumped in my car and rushed to my mom's in tears as she wrapped her arms around me and held me like the little girl I used to be.

I need the support of others. But, like an empty boot without someone to wear it, I am completely useless apart from Jesus. There are times when life gets so dark, the world crashes in and breathing becomes difficult. When we can barely open our eyes to greet the day. I have to know, believe and trust that there is a Spirit stronger than our failures and pains. 

We need to be reminded of this truth often. It takes the pressure off to perform and pretend. We can trust the One that was there all along, waiting to breath life into our dead bones and remind us we're not alone.

~ Shelby

Who You Are

There's a lot of talk about "finding yourself". Figuring out "who you are". I'm not sure I believe in that. I think it's more about realizing the truth that was there all along. And to believe it. To know the person you were always created to be, can be hard, even when it's staring you in the face. When faced with the lie that I am not enough, I'm a failure or am worthless, these beautiful truths give me strength...


But you are God's chosen and special people...God has brought you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 1 Peter 2:9


Now you have been set free from sin, and you are God's slaves. This will make you holy and will lead you to eternal life. Romans 6:22

For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. Zephaniah 3:17


...only God's Spirit can change you into a child of God. John 3:6


...you are God's temple and his Spirit lives in you. 1 Corinthians 3:16


My personal favorite, a truth I need: You surely know that your body is a temple where the Holy Spirit lives. The Spirit is in you and is a gift from God. You are no longer your own. God paid a great price for you. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20


Truly, I would not be alive today if God had not opened my eyes to these truths, and had I not believed them I fear I'd still be stuck with an eating disorder, or worse. These are so much more than Bible verses, they are life!
~Shelby

The Story

In a nutshell, this video introduces you to me. It's not all about what went wrong, but what God did out of the darkness.

Episode 84: Recovered with Shelby Lynn from mitchkrusetv on Vimeo.

You Failed

That's about the worst thing someone could say to me. Not "you're ugly" or "you're stupid", the worst is failure.

When I operate out of this lie, the results are ugly! Defensiveness, because I can't afford to be wrong. Blaming others, because then it's their problem, not mine. Depression because when I fail, I don't deserve to be trusted, or worse I don't deserve love. 

Failure becomes a life killer, because we forget that God loved us in our failure.

I fail, and it's ok. You fail and you're loved.


Failure is something I still avoid like the plague, but when I tell myself the truth, that God's love doesn't change for me whether I hit a home run or flop - I can rest.

The hardest thing to do after we fail is to get back up. But God's love gives me courage. The truth is, we are ok when we fail. We're loved and we'll be ok tomorrow, when we fail again.

~ Shelby

Choose Life

Everything within me fights this. Our entire world is made up of efforts to deny it. But after years of therapy, an eating disorder and some other falls and searing pains along the way, everything in my life, and likely yours, proves this true: life is hard. And that is an understatement. 

My friend who lost her father too soon, my husband whose sister died at 15, young girls sold into sex, people who I love were abused, and the list goes on. Life is so incredibly tragic that truth seems a trite response...

We are safe, secure as this little child, when we cling to God, who is big enough to give us life out of all this mess. Hope out of the darkness, comfort in grief & truth rather than lies. This lie, I choose to see it for what it is...fear. 

Fear that someone I love will die.

That my heart will be ripped out and trampled.

Fear that dreams remain unfulfilled.

But Truth allows us to choose life.

A life worth living.

~Shelby

Farther Along

This is not perfect.
A little wobbly on my feet.
Legs a little bent.
Jumps are really hops.
Yet, I'm farther along in understanding dance than I have ever been.

When choreographing, just like any other art, you live with it, breathe it, sleep it and carry it around with you for a long time. It becomes a part of you that can drive you crazy, or give you strength. This song and this dance represent and mean so much to me, on so many levels, that go way beyond dance; a few imperfections mean less than they used to.

I'm starting to realize how art parallels life. And we can take heart when things don't go as planned. We'll understand that it was the living, breathing and sweat of the process that gives us joy and glimpses of real truth, beyond what the end result had ever promised.

Farther Along from Shelby Lynn on Vimeo.

~Shelby

Only Truth

There are things that I cannot express, that I wish I could make you understand. But I'm unable to put comprehension into your mind of something that is so profound it makes me weep. 

Some days, I literally have to dance around in my living room because of this truth.

"...heaven filled me with more than enough..." is a line from a song I recently choreographed a dance to (hoping to post here soon!). It describes perfectly my reaction to this truth:

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

I am more than weak most of the time. My feet limit me, my insecurities box me in, and our vulnerabilities separate us. God sees the lies you're believing, whatever is swimming in your head right now and messing you up. And He sees...
His grace
His sufficiency
His power
His perfection

Thank you Jesus
~ Shelby

You're "On"

Oh man do I think I'm smart. Somedays I sit up in my chair at work, my back straight, and I just know the words coming out of my mouth are brilliant. Ha! It's even worse when life is tough. Because I know the Creator of the Universe, I feel this pressure to have secret insight into how He works. Unfortunately I rarely understand His plans, so I end up frustrated, or feeling like I've failed.

But really, I know nothing, and that's what scares me. The closer I get to Jesus, the more I am struck at how His plans are greater, bigger, and often more confusing than mine. I can plan, prepare and study myself until I know it all, but I don't know HIM. He...Jesus...God...is the one that I need to know if there's hope of me saying anything insightful or compassionate or true.

Now that's truth.

~Shelby

Body

I love seeing these two images next to each other. On the left a waif of a woman, a cartoon, yes, but the standard of an "ideal" woman in America. On the right, laugh lines and wrinkles from living, and the years that go with life. The pressure to conform on one side, and riding barefoot on your bicycle on the other. Empty and predictable versus colorful and spontaneous.

It's easy to conform to life's expectations, but the more we open ourselves to others, life gets a little brighter. People & relationships add dynamics that are beyond our control. The people I love have brought  deep, searing pain to my life. And they have given me happiness so great that it makes my heart ache.

The truth is that I want to grow old, wrinkly (perhaps even pudgy) from laughter...tears...and living life. No botox for me. I want people to see this face someday and know that it was lived wholeheartedly. (I already have gray hair, so wrinkles are next anyway, right?)
~Shelby

A Lie that's True

In a way, this lie is true...

We are all those things, and yet because of Jesus, we don't have to live in any of the them. But I so often get stuck there. It's sad to realize that internally this is reality, while externally I put on a pretty good show.

I've hidden from this lie the most. I lived it out in the past, to the point that I punished myself into starvation. Healed and whole from that, I am still held back today from the lie that says I am crap. And the thing that makes me mad is that this lie keeps me from the things I want the most. From being a good wife or living out the dreams God has for me. This lie is so damaging, so insipid, that seeing it here both confronts me and breaks my heart.

TRUTH

But this truth, this is why I must dance! I want to walk in that freedom, and I long for you to join me. That we who have tasted God's love, which has set us free from the pain of past regret, and the worthlessness we found there, will drink in a new life. If we, if I, could live like we believe this - each morning with a fresh start - we could be the person we've always set out to become. And the person, God has always known that we are, that He created us to be.

~Shelby

Flaws

I cannot tell you why it happens. It doesn't really make sense. That small logical part of my brain, (it's very small, I'm a woman, so my heart usually makes all my decisions!) has tried to figure it out in the past. But I cannot for the life of my explain why I pretend or why I try to cover over my flaws.

It's got to be fear. Fear that I won't be accepted, loved, valued, appreciated or seen as an equal. Perhaps pride, that I can project this persona that's so great it's worth admiring, respecting and even emulating. What a lethal combination - fear & pride.

The honest truth is that I want to believe what God says. That He loves me, so much that I can stop being afraid. I can let down my pride and just be the woman He's made me to be. I want to walk in that freedom. And if I could do something in that freedom, it would be to connect to someone else in her own moment of weakness. My name means "sheltered town". I want to be a place where she, where you, can feel safe. Because, let's be honest I don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I messed up today. But God still loves me...the truth for today is that He loves us both.
~ Shelby

Feeling

Ugh, emotions. Seriously, sometimes I am just a mess.  Crying at everything, scared at nothing and melancholy on a sunny days.  And then, there are days when pain presses agains my chest so hard that I cannot breathe, and the emotions are so intense, so real that it is hard to really feel them. That is when I am tempted to "check out" of life, because feeling this way is more than I can bear. 

I often feel things so deeply that when life and auto-pilot kicks in and I don't have the emotional highs and lows I've grown so used to, then there must be something wrong with me. The truth is that emotions can be beautiful servants, rather than tyrannical masters.

He is a REAL savior, lover and friend. Someone that will travel down the quiet halls of sadness and loneliness, so that I am not alone there. He is also there to drink in the joy of the mountain-top experiences.  He is so real in all of those moments that I don't want to forget how real He is today, when I send an email, drive my car or make dinner for my husband. And with as much feeling as I can muster in this moment, I love him for that.

~Shelby

Truth vs. Lies

"God made Him who had no sin, to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." ~ I Corinthians 5:21

That verse hit me over the head one night, I was so excited I literally ran down the hall to a friend and showed it to her. Jumping up and down (seriously, I do that when I'm really happy), I could only exclaim that I finally got it.

Perfection...this unattainable thing I had been working for was futile.  In the face of something better - His Righteousness. And so, I learned that when a truth rips the lies off the walls of your mind something incredible happens. There is freedom, joy, peace and a deeper connection with a Savior so perfect nothing else compares. It is in exposing lies and finding the truth that I am reminded of how weak I am and how great He is...

Truth vs. Lies from Shelby Lynn on Vimeo.

Food Control

Lies intermixed with truth. Because fruits, vegetables, natural and organic foods are healthy. But extreme control, fear of fat and an empty plate are stark realities that I face when I'm weak. It's when I'm tired, emotional or feeling pain that I run to the comfort of control. Knowing that so much is out of my control, food becomes the way I cope. 

And the lies wash over me like a seducer promising a beautiful night of passion. The words are comforting, but they only lead to pain and destruction.

I am so ashamed of being human. To mess up, make mistakes, have a muffin top and admit that I don't have it all figured out. One day I won't be ashamed. When my body really is perfect, my mind will be too.  I'll realize that the entire goal was to have a body that reflected and exalted Him. Not in appearance, but in its person. 

~ Shelby

Silence

There are things in life that isolate us: fear, pain or just plain messing up BIG. But lies, they combine all the isolation together & force us into a lonely dark hole.

Finding my way out the black pit was slow, painfully slow. There are moments when you claw at the rocks and end up with bloody fingers as you fall back down the mountainside. We can look up and see a light at the top of the deep well, but when the walls are slick and flat, it's a rope we need rather than our broken fingers and feeble attempts at climbing out. A rope of truth to lift us out of the dark and into the light.

We find we are not alone. And that tomorrow when the lie wrestles to shut out the light He is there. And, He has provided Himself in more than one way. His Son brings comfort, and His children can be called trusted friends. As much as I have walked alone and thought I would be safe, the darkness always threatens to win. 

But when I walk with her, a friend...with him, my husband...I am stronger. 

For when I am vulnerable to exposing myself to them, I am safe. The lie loses it's grip, and the TRUTH wins again. I'll take the noise of a relationship with Him and with them over the silence of that dark hole.

~ Shelby

New Creation

It's hard, it just is. Being something else, something more than what you are right now. The desire is there, the hope that one day I can be different, I can be better. But today, now in this moment of grief I believe the lie that says this place is all I can hope for...

I feel something tingle inside my chest, and my breath is taken away. I read these words of truth, blurred by my tears.

It's possible to be more than a broken women, to dig out of this grave and to LIVE. I am not controlled by circumstances of my past. No, today I am a new creation. A new being entirely.

Even before the Shelby that I hate is replaced by the Savior that I love, I am new. Because He says that I am. It's about Him making me new, and me dancing around in that truth. The hard work of moving beyond my past, well He did all that work. It sounds easy, it's not...and it is.

~Shelby