Playing House

Like many little girls, I grew up playing with baby dolls and pretending to be a mommy.  From just about the time I was a baby, I've wanted a baby. And, since before I even imagined myself married, I envisioned being a mom. (Sorry Silas!)

And now, it's happened.

I intimately know the ways she likes to be held, comforted, and what her cries mean. Even after waking up three times at night, I'm still excited for the morning, to cuddle with her and spend the day together. Fully and completely I am a momma, and Sarah Lynn Mercy is my baby. 

Sometimes I will look at her smiling and cooing up at me in disbelief. It's hard to believe she is actually here, not just because I wanted her so badly, but because I've been dreaming of this for as long as I can remember. And today I realized that I feel more fulfilled right now as a mother than I really ever have doing anything else. Changing diapers, feeding her, snuggling, singing and talking to her feels so natural. All those years of pretend are finally paying off!

I think the lie that could mess me up right now, is that this earthly fulfillment is somehow wrong.  Like shouldn't I find my greatest fulfillment in God alone? But, I think enjoying Sarah and being her mom is spiritual. The truth is that teaching her, praying with her and trying to love her the way Jesus loves me is connecting me to God. And for now, that is enough. 

Having a child simplifies things.  So, today I simply accept the joy & fulfillment of being Sarah Lynn's mom.  

~ Shelby

Two Weeks

We've had our baby girl to hold, cuddle and love on for two weeks now. People want to know how you feel after you have your first child,  and if I could write a song, a poem or choreograph a dance to show you, it still wouldn't be enough.

Still, this new wave of love threatens to overwhelm me with both happy thoughts and huge fears.

"What if we lost her?"

That question has swirled in and out of my mind these last two weeks as I watch her sleep, kiss her face and start to learn about this new soul. It could cripple me, that fear. And truly, the reality is, we could lose her at any moment. It takes my breath away to remember that the Sarah she was named after...died at only 15. What if that happens to my Sarah?

And then, the peace that passes all understanding reminds me of this truth...

"You have had 14 days with a child you thought you might not ever have."

In God's great mercy He gave us this Princess of Mercy - Sarah Lynn Mercy. I have had more days with her today, than I ever dreamed possible. My heart is so full of gratitude to God for giving her to us, if only for these days.

I'm learning that this attitude of a heart that is genuinely grateful will live in peace.  If I can wake and be thankful for this moment, this day with our girl, I can savor it, and I can remove the fear of tomorrow, because I'm living for today.

No, it's not easy, I can't say the fear doesn't overwhelm me at times, but I want to live this way, to believe the truth that being grateful really can free me from this fear, and can allow me to entrust Sarah to God.

So in this moment, as I watch her sleep I say a prayer of thankfulness to God for this day, and the past 14 He has given us. What a gift.

~ Shelby

The Other Shoe

There's this lie that has decided to worm it's way into my head, probably into yours too.

"Just wait - things are too good right now. It won't last.
Don't get too happy, because you'll lose everything sooner or later.
Better prepare yourself now for the heartache that is bound to come."

Wow, talk about a joy killer! That's exactly what it is too.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy"
~John 10:10

It's so odd how I can know in my mind that this hesitation, this fear that the other shoe is bound to drop at some point is a lie. But, I let it have a hold. I have chosen to let it tie me down. When really, I'd like to skip through the streets yelling, "I'm gonna have a baby girl, she's gonna be beautiful and my handsome husband and I are gonna be parents!!!!!!"

I don't want to feel guilty about being happy, or excited, but this lie tells me to stay timid and meek. That if I get too excited I might lose it all. It's funny how I think that by keeping my joy at bay I could somehow stave off pain or loss.

No, the truth is
"Jesus came so that you would have life, and have it to the full."
~John 10:10

That means today, tomorrow and Wednesday when I meet this new little life, I can drink it in fully. Living completely alive and in the moment I can weep for joy, grin from ear to ear, post annoying pictures on facebook and tell the world about this precious gift we've been given.

So goodbye fear and anxiety, I'm not having you. I choose LIFE.
And even if the other shoe drops, I have a truth to sustain me:
"The people I love are safer in God's hands than in my own."
~Shelby

Waiting for baby...

Makes Me Cry Every Time

Call it pregnancy, being a woman...or perhaps becoming a momma. Whatever it is, there are songs right now that bring me to tears, no wait - weeping. Yes, I break down and weep when I hear these. And I caught myself turning the song off the other day, because I thought

"This is ridiculous, no more crying!" 

But, if I have learned anything, it's that emotions are there for a reason. So these tears, they have a purpose, they express something deep within, and sometimes just the simple act of letting them fall is all I need to do to communicate:
~ deep, intense gratitude to God for bringing me & Silas this far
~ joy at the life growing inside
~ calm and peace knowing I am safe
~ thankfulness that I have been freed from lies
~ an overwhelming sense of responsibility as a wife, and new mother
~ desire to love my family with all of me
~ oh, and all those other emotions that are lingering beneath the surface right before you become a mom: terror, excitement, fear, anxiety, happiness, impatience and much more!

(Click here if video of "Not for a Moment" does not display)

That's why I love music & dance, it expresses things I can't. And I'm pretty sure this, or the song below will be the next dance I choreograph...once this little basketball isn't hanging on to the front of me!

I hope you take the short time to listen to these songs, and if tears come, let them. Allow the emotions they bring to wash over you - to express the unsaid words of your heart.

A Broken Record

There are some lessons in life that seem to keep repeating, at least for me anyway. Over and over again, God reminds me not to forget what He's done...and yet live in the present. Forget what is behind, the past failures and mistakes - He's forgotten and forgiven, and so must I.

"See the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you."
Isaiah 42:9

There are so many former things in my life, and probably in yours, that threaten to weigh us down:

- betrayal

- addiction

- lies

- insecurities

- failures

- broken promises

But, God reminds me, He reminds YOU, again and again that those things are over, and new things are coming. Even before they happen we can have HOPE because we have been promised that they will take place. There is good to come, and we know the end of the story. Maybe not this present story, but the big one, the one that matters.

I know that God wins, that good will overcome. It gives me peace when I think about raising this baby girl, Sarah Lynn Mercy. That even though she will experience pain in life, I can speak this truth into her life...God wins, love does overcome and we will have rest.

I pray you receive God's peace, and His promise that new things are coming, even before they "spring into being" God has already announced them!

~ Shelby

Sarah Lynn Mercy

What's in a name?

"Shelby" for example means "A place of shelter where the willows grow"

Photo Credit here

I've always wanted to be a place of shelter for people - to live up to the name given me. And while that's not why my parents gave me that name, I believe in the power of a name. We claim names in life all the time...

~ Perfectionist

~ Nurse

~ Boss
~ People-pleaser

~ Teacher
~ mom

We define and name ourselves based upon what we do, and rarely because of who we are. God has to remind me daily of the names He's given me...

~ Daughter

~ Chosen One

~ Forgiven

~ Loved

I like those names, they're names to live up to. And so, with baby girl on the way, Silas and I wanted to give her a name full of meaning and truth.

Sarah - named after her Aunt Sarah who passed away when she was only 15. Silas held his sister in such high esteem. I can see it in his eyes when he talks about her. The way she loved him, the way she showed Jesus to him and to others. I am honored that we can name our baby girl after a young woman who impacted this baby girl's daddy in such a big and wonderful way. 

Lynn - her momma's middle name, and her Grandma Tharp's middle name. It's special to pass on a legacy of a woman that I so respect - my mom. I pray this young lady has my mom's strength, sense of right, and conviction of heart.

Mercy - I wanted to give her a new name, one that would be her own. Honestly, I believe God gave her this name. Immediately after finding out we were pregnant, I was overcome with this word. I heard it in my head over and over again - Mercy, mercy, merciful mercy. God blessed Silas and I with this gift of a child out of His great Mercy. I had cried and begged and prayed for a child and here she was, just given to me. We had tried on our own, and it doesn't just happen when you want it to. God, in His timing, gave her to us. And, after everything that I put this body through - my own mistakes that could have prevented a child, to health concerns that said I might not ever carry a baby, to other past mistakes that could have robbed us of this gift. God's mercy looked at us and said yes, YES, I will bless you with this gift of LIFE!

I hope someday she'll understand fully what that means, and that with God's help she will grow into all that's in her name.

Because beyond the stories and the namesakes, Sarah Lynn Mercy means "Princess of Mercy".

Gaining Weight

Fear.
Shame.
Gaining Weight.

Here I am, five months pregnant and excited, ready to put on those pounds for the life that kicks and flips inside of me. But, as much as I hate to admit this, it wasn't easy at first.

I told myself I would not be one of those women who hated her pregnant body. In fact, I've always thought pregnant women are the most beautiful form of a woman. Life growing inside, what could be better?

But then, I started to gain weight, and what's worse I felt nauseous at every turn. So instead of the blissful glow everyone talks about, I felt sick. I didn't want food, and that terrified me. It reminded me too much of the time I had spent starving myself.  And the fear, that nagging fear of being fat, ugly or unwanted pestered me. I lost four pounds in the first trimester. While often normal, it scared me considering my past.

Truth: Your body, your baby needs nourishment.
Truth: It's ok to eat when you're hungry, especially now. Listen to your body and respond with healthy choices.
Lie: You'll never be desirable again.
Lie: You don't really need to eat more, you can just stay the same weight throughout this pregnancy.

Ha, those lies are ridiculous. I can see how the enemy and this world are working to destroy my precious little girl before she is even born. And the nerve, he's using the old lies in MY PAST to accomplish our dual destruction.

But I write this today as a reminder and as a declaration of victory. Enough of that! Bring on the food! I love this new little life, and whatever I need to gain, however that may impact my body, it is all worth it.

For this child, and for me. Life is still worth fighting for, especially now.
~Shelby

Baby girl at 20 weeks, and yes sucking her thumb!
Truth: I have loved you with an everlasting love...I will build you up again. ~Jeremiah 31:3 & 4